Now Where Did I Leave My Purpose?

You know that feeling where you walk into a room and can’t remember WHY you’re there?

I feel that way about life. A lot. And almost always in the evenings.

I think my mornings are pretty clear, purpose-wise: I need to get up, get showered, and eat, all so I can go to work. Then I go to work so I can earn money. I earn money so I can eat and live and… and… and that’s about where I start feeling lost.

I know I need money. Gotta have money. That keeps me quite content when I’m at work: I’m making progress on my journey towards Having Money. What I do once I get there is moot. At least until I get there.

But then there’s this off-time, this time when I’m not making money. My number one desire during my off-hours, you ask? To work on OTHER ways to make money.

I tell myself that I need the money to finance my dreams and ambitions. Like, funding my own movie or TV show based on a script I wrote.

WHAT script?! I never write!

I think one of the reasons I don’t write is that I still haven’t found MY purpose, so why bother evangelizing — and I feel that all art should offer a solution, rather than just pointing out problems; one is evangelical, the other is whining — if I don’t have a purpose or solution for myself?

I mean, I know where I BELIEVE fulfillment should come from, but it’s not forthcoming. Like, family-time. I want it to be fulfilling, and I spend time with my wife and daughter every evening and weekend, but I still feel empty afterwards. Spending time together as a family means NOT spending time on whatever the elusive thing is that’s supposed to make me feel fulfilled.

I seek escapism a lot as a result. Movies, video games, surfing the internet.

I like to imagine that I’m inching forward toward my goals, but I think I’m really just frozen in place, and perhaps the acercation of my goals is an optical illusion.

I don’t think acercation is a legitimate English word, but I mean it as “getting closer”.

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