Angeline Jolie Must Die

Angeline Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt’s child. Naturally, she must be killed now, before the child is born.

Let’s say, for the moment, that Angeline is allowed to bring this baby to term. It would be, quite simply, the most incredibly attractive creature ever to grace this Earth. Can anyone contend differently? The child, if a girl, would make Helen of Troy look like Roseanne Barr’s armpits. If the child is a boy… well, there’s never been a male that was attractive to all women, but you can imagine that this one WOULD be.

They say that beauty is only skin deep. But I challenge them to say such a thing while gazing upon the Brajolie!

This creature’s charisma could be our world’s doom. Imagine the legions of followers, hearkening to every beauty tip and exercise regimen this monster suggests, when it itself has never had a need for any such thing. The first industry it would topple would be that of cosmetics, and many of us would welcome the change. But in such rejoicing we would only be falling prey to its ever-growing charm.

It would overpower the check-out aisle magazine racks. It would eat Oprah whole. (It would simply kill Dr. Phil, and we would love it all the more.)

Its successful music, movie, modeling, and writing careers would set records, then be casually dismissed as it took on politics with all the power its perfect gaze could bring to bear. World leaders would acquiesce their sovereignity to the Brajolie, in hopes of earning one simple smile. Nations would fall like Japan before Jennifer Love Hewitt, or like Germany before David Hasselhoff or Adolf Hitler. But this persona would be embraced by all people, all nations, much like Ronald McDonald, but WITHOUT ALL THE SUGAR AND FAT!

Then, as absolute power is wont to do, this unchecked control over the world would corrupt the Brajolie.

“Let us feed these hungry vagabonds, and let their strength and health grow; THEN LET THEM FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR OUR AMUSEMENT!”

“Let us fetch the thirsty in this world some cool beverages, chilled with ice from the polar icecaps. THEN MELT THE REST OF THE ICECAPS AWAY!”

“Let us build a convenient Starbucks on every block of every city in the world. LET US BUILD A CONVENIENT STARBUCKS ON EVERY BLOCK OF EVERY CITY IN THE WORLD!”

I can’t pretend to know all the evil that would come if this perfect child were allowed to live. But no being should have the power that a Pitt-Jolie parentage would bring. THE BRAJOLIE CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO LIVE!