When we last left our hero, he was being harrassed by Lawrence Andrus, a moron who had mailed a $20,000 watch to our hero’s home. The FedEx guy said that someone had answered the door and signed for it.

Well, Lawrence has now called LTB a few times, trying to track down more dirt on me, and yesterday we went to see about filing a restraining order against him. DID YOU KNOW: The cost to file a restraining order in Ventura County in cases where the restrainee is not a family member, or where no threats of physical violence have actually been made, is $300? Yeah, and you need to give the restrainee 24 hour notice, blah blah blah.

We didn’t file the order.

THANKFULLY, however, the detective on the case interviewed the FedEx guy, who is now saying that the guy was waiting outside our apartment to pick up the package, and that he’s even done it a couple times. Well, we got our locks changed for nothing, but hopefully Lawrence will leave us alone.

Does it end there? No, faithful reader! For even just this morning, FED EX TRIED TO DELIVER ANOTHER PACKAGE TO DAVID MAYER AT OUR ADDRESS!

“Uh, don’t sign for it,” I told my wife when she called, unsure what to do. She had them send whatever expensive thing it was BACK to the idiotic sender.

Not 15 minutes later, the POST OFFICE tried to deliver a priority package to David Mayer at our address. What could be inside? Another $20,000 watch? A $100,000 ring? A million in unlaundered Canadian currency?

We don’t know. We sent that package back, too. Can’t wait for the phone calls to start, though.

I’m at the point now where I’d skewer Santa with a poker if he tried to give me something on Christmas Eve. “I don’t THINK so, NICK!” [skewer sound effect]